Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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