eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
