My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
