Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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