"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
