There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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