it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
