I wish I only lived at night.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
