Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
