My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
