I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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