dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
