Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
