I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
