I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
