Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
