Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
