How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize