Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We're too hungover to prance.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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