If i could tip my vagina, i would.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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