I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize