Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
