the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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