Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
