I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
