Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
