I queefed so loud it echoed.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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