It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
