I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
