I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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