Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
