Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
