i don't like sucking hair
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
