dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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