The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
