I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
