like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
