What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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