aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
