The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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