Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
