I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
