On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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