In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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