new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
