I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
