How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
