Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
we should paint friendship bongs
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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