It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
