dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
