My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
