no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
