u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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