I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
