I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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