Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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