I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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